


GenXXXrated Anomalies

by RoseByAnyOtherName (badxwolfxrising)



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-03-16 17:11:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3496316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badxwolfxrising/pseuds/RoseByAnyOtherName
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When River turns a horny Doctor down because she has a date, he sets out to get drunk and pick up a girl instead, with unintended consequences. Crackfic written for an LJ prompt, warning for incestuous things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	GenXXXrated Anomalies

He had been accused of having a ‘thing’ for blondes before. And he totally did. Had since the first time Romana regenerated. Whether he admitted this to anyone or not was an entirely different story, but he knew that was why he often found himself drawn to women with golden hair. The woman sitting at the bar, laughing and chatting with the guy behind it was no exception. She was young like Rose, he thought to himself, watching her move. Something about her was familiar, but whatever memory he was associating her with had been locked away in the section of his mind where he kept his most painful losses. He didn’t realise he’d been licking his lips though until a different woman across the bar shot him a disgusted look.

Embarrassed, he dropped his gaze to the sticky surface of the bar and the untouched whiskey and soda in front of him. He couldn’t believe he had sunk to doing this, but Amy and Rory were gone and River was...well, River. And the reason why he was sitting here in a bar now, actually contemplating allowing himself to get drunk. He’d gone to River with his hard-on first, naturally. And had been both stunned and defeated when she’d told him she had a date.

“With who?!” he’d squawked, hating himself a little as he heard how shrill his voice sounded.

“An adjunct professor from the Luna University, an old friend of mine from there set us up. Not sure what his other job is-he told me on the phone that was a story worth hearing if he decided I was worthy,” she’d said with a chuckle.

“If you’re worthy?” the Doctor had huffed. “I’m ready to show you that you’re worthy right now! Several times over, in fact.”

“Oh Sweetie... Believe me, I wish I could help you out. But I’m already running late. Why don’t you pop in the TARDIS and come back in...oh well, I don’t know. Maybe a couple of days? Just to be safe. And then you can show me how worthy I am all night long.”

“Days?? River, what do you expect to be getting up to?” he’d asked crankily.

“Well, he’s got himself a bit of a reputation, but from what I’ve heard...just about everything,” she’d purred, eyes sparkling. She’d planted a brief kiss on his lips before shooing him off so she could finish her makeup.

It’d been exactly thirty-seven minutes and forty-two seconds later when he’d received an MMS from River, a picture of herself with a devastatingly handsome blue-eyed devil the Doctor knew all too well. The text with the picture read: So he works for Torchwood. Met him before?

And then the rotten little minx had not answered any of his subsequent desperate texts or voice messages pleading with her to run, not walk away from her date. He was definitely being ignored. Around the point where he figured Jack Harkness was probably balls-tongue-strap-on-insert object here deep in at least one (probably several) of his wife’s orifices was the point where he set out to get completely pissed and try to pick up a girl.  
* * * * *

Finally picking up his glass, he downed the whiskey and soda in two quick gulps and grimaced. “Another, please!” he said, slamming the glass down on the bar top. The bartender gave him a dirty look, but quickly refilled the glass when the Doctor slapped a gold coin onto the bar top next to the empty glass. The Doctor was pleased to note that he had gone much heavier on the whiskey than the soda this time around. He swallowed that one in another quick gulp, and steeled himself. He’d had a couple earlier, before he’d gotten lost in his thoughts. He was sufficiently inebriated now.

“I’m going to shag that blonde,” he slurred to himself in encouragement, straightening his bow tie as he made his way across the bar. Sidling up to the blonde’s bar stool, he couldn’t help but overhear snippets of her conversation with the craggy looking blue fellow sitting next to her.

“Yeah, I kind of liberated an escape pod, but I seem to be having problems with the engine now. I’m more of a GI Jane than a mechanic, so I’m looking for someone who might be able to help me,” the blonde bubbled.

“What sort of pod is it?” the Doctor asked, smoothly insinuating himself between the woman and the craggy blue bloke. “I’m a mechanic, I could probably take a crack at it.”

“Really? That’d be brilliant. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d be very appreciative,” she said, batting her eyelashes at him.

Twenty minutes later, after he’d fixed the minor engine problem (it was a loose coupling, and why did they never, ever think to check that?), she had thrown him back onto the pilot’s seat and started snogging him senseless. Eight minutes and seventeen seconds after that, she was taking her bra off for him after he’d already tried and failed for seventy-three seconds to do so himself. A minute and forty-two seconds after that and she was plunging her tight, slick heat down around him and he was gasping with relief.

The Doctor grabbed the girl (she had never mentioned her name and he wasn’t inclined to ask and have to lie about his own in turn) by the hips, letting his fingers curl down and around to cup her bum. She seemed intent to do most of the work, and he didn’t mind letting her-River was often inclined to take control herself, and that was who he’d been going after tonight in the first place. Instead, he closed his eyes and moaned softly as he felt her tightening her muscles around his cock as her lips fastened against the tender spot on his throat just below his ear.

One minute and nine seconds later, she was gasping and crying against him and he was hugging her tightly, his face buried in her pert little breasts as he grasped her arse and bounced her up and down on his lap. He cursed a long, strangled stream of Gallifreyan when he finally climaxed, flopping back against the chair as he did.

“What language was that?” she asked him.

“Gallifreyan. The language of my people, the language of the Time Lords. They’re all dead now though, it’s just me, so don’t worry, they can’t scold me for cursing,” he assured her.

When he said this, the blonde’s face went pale and became very serious. She was quiet for a very long moment before finally speaking. “Well, I guess we’re not technically genetically related anymore…”

“Come again?” the Doctor asked, confused.

“Actually...I’d rather not,” she said, sliding off his cock and his lap. She gathered her clothes. “Um, I actually need to go find somewhere to shower, I think. Thanks for fixing my pod, though.”

“Don’t mention it. Thanks for fucking me senseless,” he said cheerfully, and the girl let out a hysterical little laugh and brought her fisted hand to her lips. “And good look on your mission, finding whatever it was you’re looking for.”

“Right...yes...luck,” she stuttered. “Well...I’m going. You should do that, too.”

It was thirteen minutes later on the TARDIS, after the worst of his post-orgasm haze had cleared, that he realised with a sick lurch why the blonde had seemed so familiar.


End file.
